In the Stars Page 14

  He actually is telling the truth, I think. This lowlife jerk is admitting that he lied to me all in the hopes of having some fun.

  An old man beside me shouts out, “We can’t hear, speak up!”

  Sylvia steps forward, her eyes focused on Drew. “Are you having an affair with this girl?”

  Drew stares at her and then slowly nods. “No. I mean, yes. Well, I did. It’s over now, but I did.”

  “Over?” I say shakily. “It’s only over because I refused to keep it up when you were married. You said you wanted me but you couldn’t stop the wedding because it would be too big of a scandal.”

  Drew clenches his hands and wipes more sweat off his forehead. “I, uh, well, maybe you misunderstood me, Charley. I think you’ve done enough damage here. Shouldn’t you go?”

  I am seething. He can’t brush me off. “You are going to go ahead and get married? You can’t commit and you know it.”

  There is a long pause and then Drew groans. “Blast it, Charley. How dare you barge in and accuse me of this. I can too get married. I’ll prove it.”

  Sylvia cuts in before I can retort. She stares at her fiancé with hurt etched into her face. “Let me see if I misunderstood too, shall we? You proposed to me. You wanted to marry me. But then you admit to wanting some fun before you get tied down? How is that love? How is that commitment? Were you leading me on? Why did you propose to me then? Why did you want us to get married? Is it about my inheritance?” Another tear joins the first, leaving a second line through her makeup.

  Drew doesn’t seem to know where to look. He glances at me, changes his mind and almost looks at Sylvia and then stares instead at the ceiling.

  “It’s not anything about you, Sylvia. I wasn’t trying to lead you on or nothing. Maybe I am a little scared of commitment,” he admits. “Maybe I was trying to prove a point, show that I can settle down and whatever. But this stuff with Charley was accidental. It just happened and doesn’t mean much. I was going to go ahead and get married anyway, but this is getting ridiculous. Maybe marriage isn’t for me. I can’t do it. I’m sorry, Sylvia, but I can’t marry you if you’re going to be this anal about me having a little inconsequential affair before we’re married. I don’t want to be your ball and chain forevermore. I’m out.”

  I don’t know what to think. My plan to stop the wedding is working, but not in the way I planned. Drew is not the person I remembered. He’s not the honorable man from my dreams. He’s shifty and shady and only concerned with himself.

  Drew clears his throat. “Bishop, I will have to agree with this objection.” He motions in my direction. “I can’t get married.”

  Drew pushes past me and runs out of the church. Everyone stares down the aisle to the spot where the groom was last seen. There are no words, nothing that can be said to make this situation better.

  In what I can only assume is an act of desperation, the bishop waves for the organist to resume her playing, and mournful music fills the cathedral.

  “The wedding is off, oh poor Sylvia, to be abandoned at the altar!”

  “I still don’t understand . . . who is that girl?”

  “I wonder what’s going to happen to all the catered food? Is the reception still on?”

  “Men always get cold feet before their weddings, it’s natural. He’ll be back.”

  “I don’t think he’ll be back. Did you see the expression on his face as he fled?”

  Belle, like an overgrown puppy, rushes up to me and gives me a hug. “Charley, so good to see you again! I can’t believe that he dumped Sylvia at the altar. How scandalous! Maybe you can go talk some sense into that cousin of yours.”

  Jenna marches by and grabs Belle by the arm. “That is not Drew’s cousin, you bumbling dolt. Come on.”

  Sylvia and Monica and their parents shove past me next, and to my shock, Sylvia gives my hand a tiny squeeze. I think, in her own way, she is grateful to have found out this way rather than live a lie of marital bliss with a man who did not truly want to be with her.

  The rest of the guests settle back into their seats, talking, whispering and staring at the girl who broke up what would no doubt be the Island’s fanciest wedding of the year. I totter back to Josh, my high heels making it difficult to walk, what with my head spinning and my eyes full of tears.

  I fall into Josh’s arms and he leads me back outside. I blink at the change in lighting and begin sobbing. I know there are people milling around who witnessed the humiliation, but I have no pride left. I don’t know how Sylvia managed to walk out of that room with her held high.

  My world is ending. Why was I led here? Why would the fates have pushed me back to Drew if I was just going to be crushed like this?

  Josh steadies me and half drags me into the cemetery. Huge trees shield us from accusatory eyes and whispers of outrage and finally, when we reach a stone bench, Josh lets me collapse. My shoulders shake and I bury my face in my hands.

  A diamond with a flaw is worth more

  than a pebble without imperfections.

  —Chinese Proverb

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  There is no such thing as fate,” I whisper. We’ve been sitting in the cemetery for hours. The sun has gone from directly above us to somewhere close to the horizon and the temperature has dropped drastically. I cried until I had no tears left, and then I curled up in Josh’s lap and moaned until my throat hurt. At one point Josh moved us from the hard, stone bench onto the softer, cool grass, and now I’m chilled.

  “My grammy was wrong, there is no higher power controlling my destiny.”

  My head is in Josh’s lap and he is stroking my hair over and over. “Don’t say that,” he says. “I don’t know if there is a God or not, but I can promise you that there is some kind of power in the universe. I’ve felt it. You’ve felt it. It leads us, it prompts us, it inspires us.”

  “You’ve always told me I’m stupid to be superstitious,” I sniff, gazing up with bleary eyes. “You’re saying what you think I want to hear, it’s not what you believe.”

  Josh cradles my head tenderly. “I think your superstitions of throwing salt over your shoulder and feeling panic when your neighbor’s black cat crosses your path are insane. There is no merit to them. They are exactly what the name implies . . . superstition means fallacy or false notions.”

  “I knew it,” I complain, closing my eyes again to block out the world. My head is pounding.

  “Hear me out,” Josh commands and I reopen my eyes in time to see him wink at me. “I said your superstitions were crazy, but I haven’t said anything about your beliefs in fate or God or providence or whatever you decide to call it. How can the billions of people on the earth who believe in something all be wrong? How can there be noted scientists and doctors who confess to praying every day if it’s a big hoax? How can someone die and just be finished or snuffed out? There has to be more and I fully believe there is.”

  “You’ve never said anything like this before,” I say in wonder. “It’s like I don’t even know you.”

  The side of his mouth lifts. “I have a few other things I need to tell you that I haven’t said before either, but not right this second. First I need to know, how are you? Are you dehydrated? You’ve cried more than I thought possible.”

  I laugh at the way his mouth twists as he talks. Gingerly I sit up. “I’m doing okay. I feel broken still, and used. But at least I know that Drew and I are nothing. It’s been years that I’ve been trying to figure out why he dumped me and what I could possibly have done wrong. He haunted me, being the one who got away, like an elusive dream. Now I learn that it’s literally him, not me. He’s a basket case when it comes to commitment, and all this time I’ve been hating myself for something not even related to me.”

  I hesitate because I feel like Josh needs to know the full story and this is w
here it gets personal. “I’m embarrassed right now. I’m humiliated and I wish I hadn’t had to throw myself at him in front of all those people. I mean, the bloody Prime Minister was there, for goodness sakes. But maybe you’re right. Maybe there is a higher power that led me here. Then it all must have happened for a purpose. And maybe that purpose was so I could finally be free of Drew once and for all.”

  Josh watches me without looking away and I feel exposed and naked but not in the way I felt earlier. It’s different, more cozy and safe.

  “Good.” The one word says so much. Josh pulls me to him and gives me a long hug. I can hear his heart beating in his chest with a steady, rhythmic thumping.

  “Thank you for coming with me,” I say. “I needed you, especially today. I don’t know how I could have survived without you having my back.” It sounds too casual and cavalier, my thanks. I wish he could see into my soul and see how the gratitude is bubbling up like a volcano. “I really love you, Josh. Thank you for being such a good friend,” I finish with a rush and pluck a blade of grass from the ground in front of me. I roll it between my fingers as I meet his stare.

  The amount of love and kindness pouring from his eyes makes my breath stop short. I’ve never had anyone look at me like this. And then I know what’s coming and it’s like a tidal wave that I can’t stop.

  “Charley, I’m going to come right out and say it. I should have said it a long time ago, but I’ve been a coward until you showed me how. The fact is, I had to come. I’ve been crazy about you ever since I first laid eyes on you that first day of law school. You had your hair in a ponytail and were sitting two rows ahead of me. You were reading an article on Entertainment Weekly, but when the professor asked a question, your hand shot up faster than Hermione in Harry Potter. I knew right then that you were someone special and I’ve been consumed with you ever since.”

  I need him to stop because there is only one way that this can end . . . badly. We’re friends and any time friends try to move into a more than friends zone, inevitably someone gets hurt and the friendship is over. I love Josh too much to want our friendship to end over something so . . . so trivial. I hold up my hand.

  “Please, Josh, stop, don’t say anything else, okay?”

  Josh grabs my hand and clutches it tight. “No. Remember what you said in the hotel yesterday? About how we can’t always live with regrets? Well I’ve been depressed for years over you. I’ve tried to think of ways to tell you but it never would come out right. I watched you get hit on by guy after guy, and suddenly I see you falling headlong for Drew. I can’t bear it anymore and regardless of what you are thinking right now, you have to hear me out.”

  I shake my head and begin to say no, but Josh keeps going. “You own my heart. You are my best friend. You make me laugh. When we are apart, all I can think about is when I get to see you again. These past few days when you’ve been with Drew, I’ve been in agony. I even ended up spilling my soul to a bartender the other day because I couldn’t keep it bottled up any more.”

  “That was you?” The bartender in the lounge had mentioned a lawyer from Calgary who was depressed over a girl he loved who would never love him back. How could I have been so oblivious?

  “You’re healing right now. I don’t expect you to leap at me with open arms and confess you’re madly in love with me.” He pauses and grins sheepishly, “Although if you did I would be okay with that.”

  When I don’t move he continues. “Anyway, I had to tell you. Now you know. You are my world. You are more beautiful than any girl I’ve ever met. Your intelligence inspires me. You are kind and sweet and innocent and I love you.” He stops and then whispers once more, “I love you.”

  This is all wrong. I need Josh, but I need him as my friend. I need him to turn to. Not to be another guy who will date me and let me down.

  “We need to go home,” I finally say. I can hear traffic and people walking by. The wind whispers in the trees and a seagull caws forlornly in the distance. “We need to go back to Calgary and forget this happened.”

  “No, you’re wrong. What if I am the reason you had to come out here? What if fate led you to me?” Josh isn’t giving up.

  “Josh, you have to stop!” I explode. My frustration over the last few days hits a boiling point. Josh can’t be doing this, not now. “We aren’t dating material. We’re friends, we’re best friends.”

  “Why can’t friends be lovers? Isn’t it every person’s dream to be in love with their best friend? I know my parents are each other’s best friends.”

  “You can’t logic your way to a win, Josh,” I breathe. “And I am not going to let myself get swept away in this romantic idea. I loved Drew, I know I did, but love isn’t enough. I love you, but not in that way. All it will do is ruin the good thing we have going.”

  Josh’s face is a mask, an unreadable, plastic disguise. “You can’t mean that.”

  “I do.” I hate seeing him like this, rigid and hurt. I hurt him. What would I give to reach out and smooth away his pain. But I can’t. All I can do is sit here.

  “I saw the way you’ve looked at me the past few days.” Josh makes one more feeble effort. “I saw glimmers of something more. You can’t deny that, can you?”

  “It would never work out between us.” My heart is as heavy as my voice. “Please stop.”

  And he does. Josh stands and gives me his hand. Ever the gentleman, even though I know he is wounded in a way I understand oh so well, he helps me up. He helps me across the grass in my heels and then flags a cab when we get back to the main road. The cabbie takes us to the hotel, where we take the elevator to our room without speaking.

  He showers, I call the airport and book us two tickets home for tomorrow morning. The only words we manage are, “The flight is at seven. We need to be at the airport an hour before.”

  There is a gaping distance between us as we lie in bed just two feet across from each other. I can’t say goodnight, because I know for him, tonight may be one of the hardest nights of his life. I know what he is feeling, the cold fingers of rejection on his soul.

  His breathing remains steady. He isn’t sleeping. And neither am I.

  I lost Drew. I lost Josh. Strangely, the latter hurts the most.

  Finally I know what rock bottom is. Rock bottom isn’t losing your job or being without money. Rock bottom isn’t even being rejected by someone you had a crush on for years. Rock bottom is the death of a friendship you valued more than any earthly possession.

  Rock bottom hurts.

  One joy scatters a hundred griefs.

  —Chinese Proverb

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Heather picks us up from the Calgary International Airport the next morning. Josh and I pretend like nothing has changed between us, but neither of us would win a Best Actor award. Heather keeps shooting me suspicious looks in the rearview mirror as she quizzes me and Josh on our trip. She needs every detail . . . what Drew said, how he acted, what the bride looked like.

  “I can’t believe that happened,” she says in awe after we finish the tale with Drew running out of the cathedral.

  Josh doesn’t even look in my direction. There is so much left out of our tale. How Josh rescued me when I couldn’t function. How he brought me to that beautiful cemetery where my relationship with Drew was finally laid to rest. And how he poured out his heart to me and I turned him down.

  Heather pulls up in front of the downtown loft that Josh shares with two other lawyers and we say goodbye. He climbs out and I can’t help but feel like this is forever. Goodbye.

  Heather pulls back into traffic and glares at me. “Okay, now tell me the truth. Something else happened in Victoria. Something with Josh. Spill.”

  I shake my head and then blubber like a colicky baby as soon as her eyes meet mine in the mirror. “Heather, he told me he loved me. Love love.
Not friend love. And I can’t love him back. I’ve ruined everything. It was the most painful plane ride home. We didn’t say more than two or three words to each other. He was rigidly polite. I wish he would have cussed me out and thrown things, but he took it and made sure I got back to the hotel okay and still paid for a snack for me while we were waiting for our plane. It was so out of the blue!”

  Heather is incredulous. She whistles through her teeth and frowns. “Are you for real? You’re pretending to have been oblivious? Miss Smarty-pants, Miss Over-achiever, Miss Too-Smart-For-Anyone and you didn’t know that Josh loved you? I’ve seen it for years! Pretty much from the day you first introduced him to me I knew that he had it bad for you. And all this time I thought you were playing it cool, biding your time until he confessed.”

  Heather violently yanks on the steering wheel and pulls into our parking lot. She jerks the car into park and spins around in her seat. “You shot him down? Josh is your best friend! You two flirt, you hang out, he pays for everything when you are together. How could you?”

  I feel like the worm that I am. Was it that obvious? How am I ignorant to his feelings when Heather saw them clear as a bell?

  “It’s complicated,” I say through gritted teeth. “I’ll admit there have been times over the years that I’ve thought in passing that he’s super hot and have been attracted to him. But it’s different than other guys I’ve fell for. He doesn’t consume my thoughts.”

  “That’s because he is with you twenty-four/seven,” Heather snarls. She is angrier about this than I expected her to be. “How can you daydream about someone when they are right in front of you?”

  “He was my best friend,” I plead. “You have to believe me, I didn’t want to hurt him. But I can’t date someone because I’m their friend. Relationships never work that way.”